Beyond Blame: What I Missed in My First Article and What Our Community Needs to Do Next

The Jewish community is beginning to talk more openly about alcohol, teen drinking and the culture surrounding it. In my previous article on this topic, I focused on how early exposure and community norms shape teen behavior and how even well‑intentioned adults can unintentionally send dangerous messages. But as the conversation has continued, one thing has become very clear: This issue cannot be placed on the shoulders of any single group.

Recently, I read a piece by an anonymous (this always makes me raise an eyebrow) "therapist" that blamed parents almost exclusively, arguing that teen drinking is the inevitable result of parental neglect and stress, perfectionism, loneliness and children falling through the cracks. While some of those themes are real and deserve serious attention, the framing was incomplete. It ignored what we know from decades of developmental and public health research: That adolescent brains themselves create a unique vulnerability.

Teenagers- even healthy, loved, stable teenagers- will push boundaries. They will have intense emotions. They will crave novelty. They will make impulsive choices. They will desperately want to belong. This isn’t a sign of broken homes or bad parenting. It’s a sign of normal brain development.

Because of this, alcohol is risky for *all* teens, not just those struggling emotionally or academically. Even the “best” kids from the most supportive homes are at higher risk for harm simply because their brains are wired for risk‑taking and not yet wired for full self‑regulation. This is why early exposure, even “supervised”, consistently predicts worse outcomes. Not because the parents have failed, but because teens cannot manage substances the way adults expect them to.

And it’s worth saying this plainly: Alcohol is not benign. Not for teens and not for adults either. We sometimes talk about alcohol, and wine specifically, as if it’s harmless or even beneficial, but the research is unequivocal: there is no safe level of alcohol consumption. Alcohol increases the risk of cancer, liver disease, heart disease, anxiety and depression, impaired sleep and cognitive decline. It is one of the most widely used substances in the world, and one of the most harmful.

If this is true for adults, it is exponentially truer for teens. Alcohol does not just “interrupt” development, it can permanently alter it. Early alcohol use is linked with higher rates of addiction, academic struggles, risky behavior, mental health challenges and long-term health problems. This is not fear-mongering; it is basic public health.

Knowing this, the question becomes: If teens are naturally vulnerable, what can *we*, as the adults around them, do?

What we cannot do is keep pointing fingers. Not at parents. Not at schools. Not at camps. Not at shuls. And not at the teens themselves.

Parents cannot handle this alone. Camps cannot enforce safety in a vacuum. Schools cannot teach boundaries effectively if the culture at home contradicts them. Shuls cannot shift norms if adults continue treating alcohol as an essential part of every celebration or find loopholes for shul policy. Counselors who are underage cannot be expected to “know better” if the culture around them normalizes drinking. And teens certainly cannot shoulder the responsibility for resisting substances when their brains are simply not ready for that level of self‑management. We need a community‑wide approach, because this is a community‑wide issue.

Just like we shouldn’t hand teens smartphones and expect perfect digital decision-making, or give them car keys without training and safety lessons, we cannot hand them access to alcohol and expect wise, mature choices. Their brains simply aren’t built for that yet. We must create the guardrails they cannot build for themselves.

And parents do play a central role. Not because they are to blame, but because they are uniquely positioned to influence their children’s understanding of alcohol. Teens need direct, honest conversations about what alcohol is, what it does to their bodies and brains, why it's risky and what your family’s expectations are. Avoiding the subject, hoping schools will cover it, or assuming your child “would never” only leaves teens unprepared.

Talking about alcohol is no different than talking about phones, relationships, boundaries, consent or safety. If we want our kids to make thoughtful choices, we have to give them the tools. Clear expectations, calm discussions and consistent modeling from parents make an enormous difference, even when teens roll their eyes.

That means:

- Parents having open and honest conversations about substances, setting clear boundaries about substances and modeling responsible behavior themselves;

- Camps creating and enforcing real policies (especially since many counselors are underage themselves);

- Schools providing honest, factual education about substance use and dealing with issues in a developmentally appropriate and helpful way;

- Shuls and community leaders being thoughtful about when and how alcohol is offered, even to adults, many of whom may be struggling privately.

This is not about banning joy. It’s about protecting it.

My earlier article highlighted how alcohol is woven into Jewish life and how early exposure shapes teen behavior. What I didn’t emphasize enough is that meaningful change requires all of us. No one group caused this and no one group can fix it. This issue lives at the intersection of culture, access, modeling, adolescence, stress, belonging and opportunity. There is no single villain here. There is, however, shared responsibility.

We will make progress not by blaming, but by building environments where alcohol isn’t the centerpiece of every gathering, where teens have fewer obstacles and more support and where adults show that the heart of celebration is in the relationships, not the drinks. 

We can create a healthier culture. A safer one. A more honest one. But only if we do it together.