Love Is Not Enough: Choose a Partner for the Life You Want

If you’re dating or thinking about marriage and you plan on having kids someday, here’s something very important I want you to keep in mind: You’re not just choosing a partner. You’re choosing a co-parent, a teammate and a future father or mother to your children.

Being an emotionally present, responsible and hands-on parent should not be a bonus; it needs to be the baseline. You’re not just choosing someone to share the bills with or grow old with. You’re choosing someone to raise children with and that’s a completely different level of partnership.

I recognize that much of this conversation will be focused on men not doing their part and women carrying the majority of the load but that is because that reflects the reality many families face today. Of course, there are plenty of helpful, engaged husbands and partners and there are some women who don’t share the load equally. But overall, the trend is that men are often not pulling their weight and that imbalance needs to be addressed openly and honestly.

Too many women end up doing the lion’s share of the parenting and household work and not because their partners are incapable (quite the opposite!), but because they’ve been allowed to opt out. They will say things like, “I don't do diapers,” "That's not my arena," "I’m not good at that stuff," or "Just tell me what to do." Meanwhile, women are left carrying the invisible weight of it all: managing, remembering, planning, anticipating and doing. These patterns are often reinforced by cultural messaging and media that portray dads as clueless or moms as naturally more competent. But that doesn't make it true, acceptable or inevitable.

It’s especially frustrating when you consider that many of these same men are CEOs, doctors, lawyers, and problem-solvers in their professional lives. They navigate complex systems and high-stakes decisions every day. Yet somehow, we accept the narrative that they can’t figure out how to make a grocery list or pack a lunchbox. We need to stop letting domestic life be the one area where competency isn’t expected.

We need to stop accepting performative cluelessness as normal. We need to stop saying "at least he helps" when helping shouldn’t be the bar. The mental load is heavy and it doesn’t magically disappear. Rather, it builds, strains and often leads to burnout, resentment and relationships that feel overwhelmingly unbalanced.

This imbalance is a one reason we’re seeing so many unhappy marriages...and so many divorces. Women don’t need caretakers or providers in the way they once did. What they want is a true partner, someone who shares the load, the decisions and the emotional labor of family life. When that’s missing, many women are no longer willing to settle.

Women need to demand more and men need to rise to the challenge, because they can. This isn’t about perfection. It’s about learning, trying, showing up and taking responsibility. It’s about actively partnering.

Relationships don’t look the way they did a generation or two ago. Today, in many families, both parents work. Women are contributing financially and yet they are still carrying the bulk of the household and parenting load.

The old model of men working while women “ran the home” doesn’t apply anymore, so why are we still acting like domestic responsibility should fall on one partner?

The reality is, more of the work can be shared now and it should be. Not just because it’s fair, but because it’s good for the whole family. Kids benefit from having two emotionally present, actively engaged parents. They learn security, empathy and responsibility from what they see modeled. When both parents show up by comforting, cleaning, organizing and listening, kids learn that care isn’t gendered and partnership isn’t optional.

Lately, (thanks to Claudia Oshry of the popular podcast, The Toast) there’s been more talk about the “Precious Gem of a Man”, also known as “PGOM”. Women are reflecting on how rare and valuable it feels to have a partner who is truly invested in the health and happiness of their relationship and even more so in fatherhood (how sad but also important to talk about). For some, it's the joy of discovering they married someone who shows up fully. For others, it’s the disappointment of realizing their partner did not. Either way, it’s become clear: being a great parent is not a bonus trait. It’s foundational. And you deserve to know that before marriage, not after.

So if you’re thinking about building a life with someone, reflect on these questions:

*Will this person carry the weight with me?

*Will they see what needs to be done or wait for me to ask?

*Will they invest emotionally in our children?

*Will they show up in the hard, exhausting moments not as a helper, but as a parent?

Have real conversations with your partner (before marriage and continue them throughout your marriage) about how you imagine sharing household and parenting responsibilities. Talk about expectations, values and how you each see your roles. Of course, life is unpredictable, and things may not unfold exactly as planned but how someone shows up in these conversations tells you a lot about how they’ll show up in real life.

You don’t just need someone who says they want a family, you need someone who’s willing to do the work of showing up for one.

And if you’re a parent yourself, start now. 

Raise boys who help. Teach them that diapers aren’t scary and dishes aren’t beneath them. Raise girls who know they don’t have to carry it all to be loved or seen as capable.

Model shared responsibility in your home. Show your kids that asking for help and offering it are both signs of strength and care. Let your kids see both parents cook, clean, soothe, plan, and show up. Teach them to pitch in. Everyone’s contributions matter. Teach empathy, accountability and emotional presence. These aren’t just skills for future relationships; they help children become thoughtful friends, caring community members and emotionally resilient individuals.

Even if you’ve figured out how to "do it all" or told yourself it’s easier to just handle things yourself, your child’s future partner might not feel the same.

You may be carrying more than your share because you feel like you have to. Maybe your partner is absent, struggling or simply unwilling to change. Whatever the reason, it’s valid to feel stuck but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to pass those patterns on.

Teach your child to be an active partner, a teammate and a contributor. Someone who notices what needs to be done and does it.

Your child’s future relationships will thrive or suffer based on what they learn at home and it’s never too late to start teaching them what a real partnership should look like.

Circling back around to my opening point: REMEMBER, when you are dating or deciding who to build a life with, don’t just ask if they’re kind or fun or good on paper. Ask yourself if they will truly be your partner, not just in love, but in life.