“Marital Hate": When Love Turns into Rage and Why It Doesn't Mean You're Doomed

You love your partner. You chose them. You’ve built a life together… and sometimes, you really, truly can’t stand them. Not just annoyed or disappointed but emotionally activated to the point where you feel rage, contempt or a desire to run. You might even think things like: 

“I hate them.”

“I can't believe I married this person.”

“I don’t even like them right now.”

“I want out”

If you’ve ever felt this, you’re not alone and you’re not broken. There’s actually a term for this emotional whiplash: Marital Hate. It was coined by psychotherapist and couples expert Terry Real to describe the intense and often shame-filled moments in long term relationships when you feel like you can't stand your partner. It's not just irritation or frustration but a real, visceral aversion. 

It is a jarring concept, especially in a culture that tells us love should be easy, constant and unconditional. But the truth is that even healthy relationships include moments of disconnection, frustration, even hatred and when we can name these moments, we take away their power.

What Is “Marital Hate”?

Terry Real describes marital hate as a normal, though painful, stage of intimate partnership. It doesn’t mean your relationship is failing. It means something important is being activated.

Long-term relationships stir up our most vulnerable parts. Your partner knows your soft spots, your fears, your wounds, your needs and they’re often the person who unintentionally pokes them. When that happens, many people go into a reactive state:

Fight: lashing out in anger, criticism or blame

Flight: fantasizing about leaving, shutting down emotionally

Freeze or Fawn: becoming passive, resentful or trying to appease while internally boiling

These responses are rarely about the dishes or the tone of voice or being late, those are surface triggers. Underneath is usually a deeper story:

“I don’t feel seen.”

“I feel like I don’t matter.”

“I feel like I’m alone in this relationship.”

And when that pain builds up over time without repair or reflection, it can manifest into what feels like hate.

What Triggers Marital Hate?

Marital hate often shows up when: 

You feel powerless or controlled:

When one partner feels overruled, dismissed or like they have no say, resentment brews. 

Old wounds get reactivated:

Your partner unintentionally mirrors the people who hurt you in the past (parents, caregivers, exes) and the anger isn’t just about them anymore. 

You feel unseen or misunderstood

When communication breaks down and you feel emotionally invisible, the pain can feel unbearable.

There’s a chronic imbalance:

One partner carries the mental/emotional/practical load while the other stays detached and the resentment builds.

You’re stuck in unending conflict cycles:

When the same argument keeps happening with no resolution, bitterness replaces hope.

In short: marital hate is often pain in disguise. It’s what happens when needs go unmet, when we don’t feel safe to be ourselves or when we’re operating from old emotional survival strategies instead of conscious choice.

What To Do When You Feel It…

The most dangerous thing about marital hate isn’t the feeling itself, it's the shame and silence that often surrounds it. We think, “This must mean something’s really wrong. Maybe we’re not meant to be together.” But if you can pause, be aware and stay curious rather than reactive, something powerful can happen.

Here are a few steps to consider:

Notice the moment.

“I’m having one of those ‘I hate my partner’ moments.” Naming it can create just enough distance to prevent escalation.

Get curious instead of critical.

Ask yourself: What’s this reaction protecting me from? What pain is underneath it?

Soothe yourself first.

You’re unlikely to communicate productively if you're dysregulated. Take a walk, breathe, write, or vent to a trusted friend (who won't just fuel the fire) or therapist.

Revisit the repair.

Come back to the conversation when you're calm. Share your hurt, not just your anger. Reconnect through empathy, not blame.

Get help if you need it.

Therapy, individual or couples, can help unpack the deeper layers and build new ways of relating.

Remember, You’re Not Alone….

If you're experiencing these waves of marital hate, you're not broken and your relationship isn't necessarily broken either. We need to normalize the reality that intimacy brings intensity. The people closest to us will bring up the most vulnerable parts of us. That’s not a sign something’s wrong, that's a sign something real is happening.

As Terry Real puts it:

“Intimacy isn’t something you have. It’s something you do.”

So when love feels hard, when it flips into hate, know this: It doesn’t mean it’s over. It may just mean there’s something trying to heal.

When Is It More Than Marital Hate?

While marital hate is often a temporary and workable state that stems from pain, disconnection or old emotional patterns, there are times when those intense feelings are a signal of something more serious.

So how can you tell the difference?

Marital Hate: Painful But Normal

Terry Real describes “marital hate” as those intense moments when things break down between two people who actually still have a solid relationship underneath it all. You may feel deeply reactive, even hateful, but underneath the surface is usually the desire for closeness, validation or relief.

Signs this might be what you’re experiencing:

The negative feelings come and go.

You still want connection (even if you feel guarded).

You’re triggered in conflict but can find your way back to each other.

You feel angry or hurt, but not unsafe.

Both partners show some willingness to reflect or take responsibility.

“I hate how I feel around you right now but I want us to figure this out.”

When It Might Be Something More Serious

Sometimes what feels like marital hate is actually a response to emotional neglect, chronic invalidation or even abuse. If your relationship consistently erodes your self-worth or if fear has replaced frustration, you may be dealing with something deeper.

Red flags to look for:

*You feel emotionally or physically unsafe.

*Your partner blames you for everything, and avoids any self-reflection.

*You feel small, invisible or powerless most of the time.

*You walk on eggshells to keep the peace.

*You’ve tried communicating and nothing ever changes.

“This isn’t just disconnection, it feels like I’m disappearing in this relationship.”

Ask Yourself:

Are these feelings intense but temporary or constant and crushing?

Do I feel emotionally safe expressing myself?

Is there space for repair or is there only avoidance, blame or escalation?

Can I imagine a healthier dynamic with effort or does that feel impossible?

Marital hate is often a wake up call. It's telling us there's something that needs our attention. But if you’re caught in a pattern that feels dangerous, degrading or hopeless, please don’t ignore it. You deserve clarity, safety and love that doesn’t cost you your sense of self.

Sometimes the most self aware and healthy thing is to ask yourself: “Is this a hard chapter or a story that’s been repeating itself for too long?”

Because not every relationship needs to be saved. Some need to be seen for what they really are.

**Highly recommend reading Terry’s books. Two of my favorites are Us and The New Rules of Marriage.