The Marriage Advice Our Young Men Are Hearing and Why It’s Not Helping

There is a kind of marriage advice that gets repeated often to young men, usually with the best intentions. Much of it comes from Rabbis and mentors who genuinely care about shalom bayit (peace in the home) and want to protect marriages. And at the same time, some of this advice causes real harm.

Many young men, especially early in marriage, are told things like “Just don’t say anything,” “Let it go," “Pick your battles,” She’s always right”, “She's the boss!” "That's just how marriage is,” or my favorite, “Happy wife, happy life!” On the surface, this advice sounds wise. It sounds like maturity, no ego (being "mevater") and like choosing peace over conflict. And sometimes, in specific moments, it can be helpful. Not every irritation needs to be addressed. Not every feeling needs to be shared right away. Learning to pause is a good skill. But when this becomes the default guidance, it teaches people to stay quiet instead of learning how to communicate.

There is a big difference between knowing when to hold back and being told to routinely swallow your feelings. One is emotional regulation, the other is emotional suppression. Telling someone not to say anything in a heated moment can prevent escalation. Telling them to repeatedly silence themselves over time often leads to resentment, distance, and loneliness inside the marriage.

“Pick your battles” can slowly turn into nothing is worth addressing.

“Let it go” can turn into your experience doesn’t matter. 

“She’s always right” can turn into one partner opting out of emotional responsibility altogether.

“Happy wife, happy life” can send a subtle message that one partner's emotional experience matters more than the other's.

These phrases are more often directed at men, with the expectation that passivity or silence equals wisdom and maturity.

Marriages do not fall apart because people talk too much. They fall apart because people do not know how to talk in ways that help their partner hear them.

I want to be clear about why I am naming Rabbis specifically here. I have seen too many young couples struggle because of advice they were directly given by their Rebbeim. This starts during Israel gap years, continues in pre marital classes and then again when couples inevitably reach out to their Rabbi during moments of real stress and tension. These are high impact moments. The guidance given then often carries more weight than anyone realizes.

And in my experience, this is more often an issue for men than for women. Don't get me wrong, women get their share of bad advice too but there is often an unspoken assumption that women are emotionally intuitive and men are emotionally limited. The guidance men receive is often some version of “Stay quiet,” “Do not push back,” “Just do what your wife wants.” Over time, this kind of advice can train men to disengage emotionally and position women as needing to be managed rather than partnered with. That framing does not honor men or women, and it certainly does not strengthen marriages or families.

The idea that a wife will be happy if her husband simply goes along with everything she wants misses the point AND it's just not true. Most women do not want to be in charge of everything. They want a partner, not a subordinate and not a child.

Despite what our culture says, men have emotional depth. They are capable of reflection, growth, repair, and emotional presence. We should give them more credit, not less. And we should expect more of them, not by shaming or silencing, but by teaching them the skills to show up emotionally and rise to the challenge of partnership.

I understand, on some level, why this advice gets given. Rabbis are often asked to weigh in quickly on complicated emotional situations. They are trying to calm things down, not make things worse. But quick guidance can easily turn into simplistic advice, and this is not enough to sustain a marriage. Words spoken in moments of guidance carry real weight. A short sentence can stay with a couple for years. That is an enormous responsibility.

Healthy self awareness asks all of us to reflect not only on what we intend, but on the impact of our words. It asks us to notice when guidance meant to preserve peace may unintentionally silence growth, or when advice meant to protect a marriage may ask one partner to shrink. This is not about blame. It is about pausing to ask whether our guidance is helping couples build strength, honesty, and real connection, or simply helping them avoid conflict and discomfort.

Marriage is not built by one person disappearing so the other can feel calm. It is built when both people learn how to stay present, even when something feels uncomfortable. Avoiding conflict is not the same as building closeness. Absence of fighting is not the same as having peace.

If we want to offer couples something more helpful, the guidance can be simple without being silencing. 

Instead of just don’t say anything, we can say: Slow down, calm yourself, and come back to the conversation later. Instead of let it go, we can ask: Is this something you can truly release, or is it something that needs to be addressed gently. Instead of she’s always right/she's the boss, we can remind couples that both people matter and both are accountable for their behavior. Instead of happy wife, happy life, we can teach that two people who feel seen, heard, respected and responsible for their role in the relationship make for a connected and healthy couple.

These kinds of messages invite growth and trust instead of avoidance and disconnect.

There is also a need for discernment around when to refer out. Some questions are not halachic/hashkafic questions. They are emotional, relational, or psychological ones. Especially during high stress moments, early marriage, or ongoing patterns of conflict, the most responsible guidance may be to say “This feels bigger than a quick answer. Let’s bring in someone trained to help with this.”

Rabbis do not need to carry this alone. Collaboration is not a threat to rabbinic authority. It is a strength. There are many God fearing, Torah loving, halachically observant therapists who understand the values of our community and can help couples build real skills. Encouraging couples to seek that support is not a failure. It is leadership.

When Rabbis model and normalize reaching out to mental health professionals, it reduces stigma around therapy. That normalization makes it easier for couples to ask for help earlier, before things feel unmanageable. That can save relationships, and in some cases, save lives.

And, not everyone will go to therapy. That makes it even more important that the advice people do receive is thoughtful and grounded, not oversimplified. Collaboration does not mean handing everything off to therapists. It means knowing when to refer out and also knowing how to offer guidance that is careful, nuanced, and actually helpful.

Part of knowing when to refer out is recognizing that there are very few rules that are universal to every relationship and every situation. Context matters. Keen judgment, timing, and emotional awareness are crucial. 

This is not an argument for telling our young men that they should be unfiltered and say everything they feel and think all the time. Sometimes the most responsible thing to do is to pause, regulate yourself, and come back to the conversation later. Sometimes something truly is not worth pursuing.

But knowing the difference requires skills.

It requires knowing how to listen without getting defensive. It requires knowing how to speak without attacking. It requires knowing how to repair after you hurt each other. Without those skills, silence becomes a way to avoid growth, not preserve peace.

This is not about rejecting tradition or rabbinic authority. It is a call to refine and deepen the guidance we give couples. Shalom bayit is not so fragile that it depends on one partner shrinking or staying quiet. It can hold honesty when that honesty is offered with care and responsibility.

If we want strong marriages, we need to teach people how to stay connected through discomfort, not just how to avoid it.

That work is much harder than offering one line advice but it is what actually helps marriages last. There are professionals who dedicate their work to helping couples build these skills, and partnering with them strengthens the guidance couples receive.

If we can reflect honestly on where our guidance helps, where it falls short, and where collaboration and support are needed, we can do better by the marriages we are trying to protect.