We All See the Problem. So Why Isn't Anything Changing?

The Community Isn’t Short on Opinions. It’s Short on Action.

We’ve gotten much better at acknowledging and speaking about what isn’t working in our community. People are more openly discussing the pressures, the norms, and the things that aren't sitting right. And when those conversations happen, there’s generally a lot of agreement. Sometimes it’s about drinking, sometimes it’s about body image and eating disorders, dating culture, gett (Jewish divorce) refusal, spending habits in the community, phones and social media, teaching our kids to be contributing members to society, boundaries with family; whatever it is that people have been feeling concerned about. People nod. There’s recognition, a kind of collective exhale, and a feeling of relief that it’s finally being addressed and that they’re not the only ones who have been uncomfortable with it. I can't tell you how many people thank me for and encourage me to continue shedding light on the issues that we grapple with as individuals and as a community. 

I often hear things like, “This has gotten out of hand,” or “I’ve been thinking this for a while,” “We need to do better,” or “This isn’t what we want for our kids.” When we hear people say these things, it can feel like the beginning of change. And then, almost without fail, someone asks, “So what do we do about it?” It sounds like a practical question, a forward-moving one but, in my experience, this is where things begin to stall. Because what people are usually asking is not just what to do, but what everyone else is going to do, whether there will be a clear new norm, and whether they will be the “only one” if they change.

Those are not trivial questions. We don’t live in isolation, and our choices exist within systems, schools, friend groups, communities, expectations. People are weighing not just values but consequences, for themselves and for their children. Social fallout is a very valid fear. But this is also where the disconnect comes in. We say we want change, but we are often only willing to make it once it already feels safe, once it has been normalized, and once we know we won’t be the outlier. And that creates a standstill, because if everyone is waiting for everyone else, nothing actually changes.

In my work as a therapist, I see a version of this dynamic all the time, just on a smaller scale. People will come in and talk about patterns that aren’t working in their lives or relationships, and they identify them clearly. They understand them, and sometimes they’ve understood them for years. But insight and change are not the same thing. Change often demands more of us. It asks us to tolerate discomfort, to act before we want to, to risk getting it a little wrong, and to do something different even when the people around us haven’t caught up yet.

That’s not easy work, and it makes sense that people resist it. But when we bring this back to a communal level, it becomes something we have to really be honest about. A lot of the norms we say we don’t like are being sustained by our participation, not agreement. People don’t actually believe in them as much as it might seem; they just don’t want to be the one to step outside of them, so the system keeps reinforcing itself and we keep having the same conversations over and over again, and then wondering why nothing changes.

Next, we start looking for large-scale solutions like policies, programs, statements, school-wide changes, community initiatives, and while those things can be great, they can also become a way of outsourcing the responsibility. If the school changes it, then we’ll follow. If the community shifts, then we’ll adjust. If everyone else is doing it, then we’ll feel comfortable doing it too.

That same dynamic shows up with leadership as well. Rabbis and communal leaders often speak about these issues, and there is a lot of alignment with their messages about what isn't working. But naming a problem is not the same as leading the change. Throughout the years, I’ve personally tried to reach out to community leaders and think through what it would look like to move from awareness into action, and more often than not, it stalls there too. There’s hesitation, concern about pushback, an attitude that it’s safer to reflect what people already feel than to actively do something different.

So we end up in a loop. The community is waiting for leadership to take clearer action, and leadership is often reflecting back where the community already is. Everyone agrees, and nothing really moves.

There’s actually a very current example of this playing out in real time around the agunah crisis and gett refusal. Recently, there has been enormous backlash surrounding Flatbush Girl, Adina Miles’s campaign that asked women to send in provocative pictures as a form of protest and to bring attention to the issue of agunah. People have had very strong reactions to the tactic itself. Discussions about tzniut, modesty, appropriateness, and Jewish law immediately became the focus. 

And to be clear, people are allowed to feel uncomfortable with the approach. I understand why many do. But what’s been interesting is how much louder the outrage has been about the women participating in the campaign than about the reality that women are being trapped in dead marriages and denied a gett in the first place. Gett refusal is a form of domestic violence. It steals a woman's freedom and her life. There's no excuse that in 2026, we STILL don't have a solution for this. 

Even if someone strongly disagrees with her tactics, the conversation cannot end there. I am not encouraging people to participate in this campaign, nor am I saying this is necessarily the best or right approach. But if our only contribution is criticizing the person actually forcing the issue into public conversation, while offering no meaningful alternative that creates pressure, awareness, or actual change, then we are still participating in the same exact pattern: identifying a problem, reacting to the discomfort around it, and ultimately doing nothing to move anything forward.

And the truth is, whether people like her methods or not, this campaign has brought enormous attention and urgency to an issue that absolutely deserves far more communal outrage and action than it currently receives.

There are practical ways communities and leadership could take this more seriously that go beyond quietly issuing a seruv ( a formal rabbinic declaration issued by a Jewish court, a beit din, against someone who refuses to comply with its ruling) and then moving on. If a beit din determines someone is refusing to give a gett, that information should not be hidden or inaccessible. It should be public and communicated publicly. Communities should know. Shul rabbis and communal leaders can play a much more active role in making sure members are informed and that social pressure actually exists in meaningful ways.

That might mean publicizing seruvim more clearly and consistently. It might mean keeping an accessible record within the community so people are aware when someone is actively refusing to participate in the gett process. It might mean refusing certain communal privileges like attending their shuls, community events, or being employed in their organizations and making it clear that this behavior is not something a community will accommodate while continuing business as usual.

If we really believe gett refusal is abusive and unacceptable, then our communal response should reflect that. Otherwise, we create a situation where everyone agrees it’s wrong, but the practical burden of fighting it falls almost entirely on the women trapped in it.

The reality is, it’s much easier to police the way someone is trying to create change than it is to ask ourselves why so many people feel that drastic measures are necessary to get the community to pay attention at all.

If we are being honest, a lot of us are more comfortable talking and complaining about what’s wrong than actually changing it. There’s something that feels good about naming the problem, feeling validated, and knowing other people agree with you and see it too. But that can also create the illusion that we’ve actually done something, when in reality, nothing has shifted. We’ve had the conversation, we’ve agreed, and then we go right back to participating in and perpetuating the same patterns.

As someone who wants to do more than just point out the “problems,” this part is incredibly frustrating. I want you all to remember that meaningful change usually starts on a much smaller scale, and much less comfortably. It might look like being the only parent who doesn't give their 8th grader a phone or sets firm limits around their teen’s phone use. Maybe you are the only family who opts out of a certain standard, or the only ones willing to say, “This doesn’t work for us,” when it comes to things that have become community norms but are far from normal. It starts with the parents who decide, “We’re not doing this,” even if everyone else is. A family who sets a different tone, even if it stands out. And yes, that can feel exposing. There is a real fear of your child being the only one, of being seen as rigid or out of touch, of creating tension with people where it would be easier to just go along. Those fears are valid, but they also can’t be the only thing guiding our decisions.

Every norm we’re frustrated by exists because enough people continue to participate in it, even when they don’t feel good about it. This is the hard truth. And every meaningful shift starts when some people decide they’re going to stop participating, even before it feels comfortable or widely accepted. Maybe not everyone at once but enough to begin disrupting the pattern.

Something I’ve seen, both clinically and communally, is that people are often less alone in this than they think. There are usually others who feel the same discomfort, who have the same concerns, and who are waiting, not necessarily for permission, but for evidence that it’s possible to do differently. They’re watching, and when someone goes first, it gives other people the strength to move toward that change too.

It takes real courage to go first. To make a change before it’s popular, without knowing how people will react, and without immediate support. It’s uncomfortable, but that’s usually how real change actually happens.

Around this time of year with Pesach (Passover) and Shavuot, we talk a lot about freedom and striving for something bigger than ourselves, even when we know it comes with a lot of challenge. The things that keep us stuck now aren’t always obvious. They’re often social expectations, communal and societal pressures, the fear of change and the anxiety of being the only one doing things differently. Those can become their own kind of chains.

Shavuot reminds us that growth doesn’t come from waiting until something feels easy or widely accepted. It comes from stepping into it first. From doing, even before everything feels clear. Naaseh v’nishma. We act, and then we understand. We do what we know is right even if it's hard and even if we feel the pull to stay comfy. 

There’s a reason the biblical image of Nachshon stepping into the sea before it split has stayed with us for generations. The water did not split while everyone stood safely on the shore discussing what should happen next or whose approach was the most halachically correct. It would not have been irrational for people to think he was making a reckless decision that could put his life at risk. But someone had to be willing to step forward first.

That does not mean every action taken in the name of change is automatically right or beyond criticism. But it does mean that communities often remain stuck when everyone is waiting safely on the shore for somebody else to move first. 

So when you find yourself in those conversations again, talking about something that isn’t working and asking what we should do about it, you might need to be the one who steps forward first. You may need to ask not just, “What should we do?” but, “What am I willing to do, even if I’m not sure who else will?” That’s a harder question, but it’s the one that will actually make a difference.

Be the one who’s willing to go first, even if you’re not sure who will follow.