We're Complaining About the Culture We're Creating

Every few weeks I hear someone complaining about how shallow and materialistic our culture has become. People complain that everyone is focused on looks, money, status, luxury, and image. They say people don't care enough about character anymore, that friendships feel fake, that the dating world is shallow and superficial, and that relationships have become more about what someone has than who they are.

A lot of those observations are true. What I struggle with is the lack of self-awareness.

Some of the loudest critics of superficiality spend every day promoting the very values they say they can't stand. Scroll through their feeds and you'll see body after body, luxury after luxury, dramatic weight loss, expensive vacations, designer everything, and perfectly curated lives. Then we turn around and wonder why people care so much about appearance and image. How could they not?

Culture doesn't just happen. We create it by what we celebrate over and over again. Every post sends a message. Every like reinforces something. Every comment tells people what deserves attention. Over time, those messages shape what people strive for and admire, and how they measure themselves and everyone around them.

We like to think people learn our values from what we say. But people pay just as much, if not more, attention to what we celebrate, reward, and admire. Over time, those messages become the culture we live in. That's true in every community, and it doesn't just happen on social media..

It happens when influencers criticize superficiality while building brands around appearance, luxury, and status. It happens when matchmakers say middot are what matter most, yet continue to prioritize wealth, family name, appearance, or social status when making introductions. It happens when rabbis preach humility, modesty, and character, yet the people who often receive the most attention, access, and admiration are those with the most money or influence. It happens when we acknowledge the damage caused by shame and silence around sexuality, while continuing to erase women from magazines, advertisements, and community events.

It happens when we criticize a culture that's obsessed with thinness, but also excitedly celebrate becoming thinner as though we've finally reached the finish line. If the message people keep hearing is that being thin is something to aspire to, something to congratulate, something to envy, we shouldn't be surprised when they start believing that too. We can't keep saying, "I wish people cared less about being thin," while treating thinness like a prize.

On their own, none of these things define a culture. Together, repeated over and over again, they do.

Of course people are responsible for their own choices. Adults are responsible for the decisions they make. But that doesn't mean influence isn't real. We like to hide behind the idea that "everyone is responsible for themselves," as though that somehow erases our own influence. It doesn't.

If people are constantly receiving the message that the bodies worth admiring are the thinnest ones, that success looks like the biggest house, the nicest vacation, the perfect aesthetic, or the most conventionally attractive face, we shouldn't be surprised when those become the things people chase. We've been teaching those lessons for years. Dating isn't the problem but it's one of the places where the culture we've created shows itself most clearly and becomes impossible to ignore.

This isn't about never posting your workout, your outfit, your vacation, or your beautiful life. Sharing joy isn't the problem. The question is much bigger than that.

What are you consistently teaching people to admire?

That's a question all of us should be asking ourselves, whether we have fifty followers or five hundred thousand. Influence isn't limited to influencers. Parents influence children. Friends influence each other. Teachers influence students. Rabbis influence communities. Therapists influence clients. Every one of us helps shape the culture around us.

Real self-awareness isn't just recognizing what's wrong with the world around us. It's being willing to ask how we might be contributing to it. Before we criticize the culture, we should be willing to ask whether we're helping create it.