Understanding the Real Reasons Behind Divorce: It's Not Always the Big Things

Why do people get divorced? 

It’s a question I’m asked often and while some assume the answer must be something dramatic like infidelity, abuse or betrayal, more often than not, the reasons are quieter, more gradual and far more common. Over the years, I’ve sat with countless individuals and couples trying to untangle where things went wrong. The stories are different but the themes are often strikingly similar. From what I’ve seen in my work, most divorces follow one of two paths: 1) the slow erosion of a relationship over time or 2) a foundational mismatch or rushing into marriage before truly knowing the other person (or yourself).

The Slow Erosion

In relationships that break down gradually, the deterioration often starts subtly. It might be years of not feeling seen or understood or the slow shift into feeling more like roommates than partners. Communication becomes difficult. Bringing up hard things leads to conflict rather than connection. One person may continue to grow emotionally or spiritually while the other remains stagnant. The same arguments keep happening with no resolution and important needs go unspoken or unmet. Tiny resentments accumulate until they create walls between partners.

Most of these issues don’t feel catastrophic in the moment. They’re common struggles in many relationships and are often manageable. But when left unspoken and unresolved, they can slowly chip away at the foundation. What starts as disconnection becomes distance. Silence becomes a stand-in for safety. Over time, couples wake up to realize the partnership they once shared feels unrecognizable.

A good marriage isn’t something you build once and then coast. It’s something you have to tend to again and again, with care, presence and intention.

The Fast Burn

Some marriages don’t erode; they implode. These divorces often appear sudden from the outside but the warning signs were there from the beginning. They’re rooted in rushing into commitment, mistaking chemistry for compatibility or not truly knowing the person you’re marrying or yourself.

Sometimes, people ignore red flags because starting over feels too hard or too scary. There may be pressure from family, community, religious expectations or even internal timelines. Some are more in love with the idea of marriage than the reality of who they’re building a life with. Others believe love alone will carry them through, even in the absence of shared values, emotional safety or aligned goals.

In both types of divorce- slow or sudden- there’s often a moment where people look back and say, “I wish I had paid attention sooner.”

Relationships Are Built, Not Inherited

Part of the problem is this: we expect people to just know how to do relationships. We assume they’ll instinctively understand how to communicate, repair after conflict, regulate emotions and hold space for another person’s needs. But these aren’t instincts, they’re skills. Skills that can and should be taught across a lifetime in families, in schools, in friendships and in therapy. Long before someone is engaged or married and trying to figure it all out “on the job”. If you didn’t learn these things growing up, that’s not your fault. But it *is* your responsibility to learn them now.

Weddings vs. Marriages

And yet, so much of our cultural energy is focused on finding love, not sustaining it. We put tremendous effort into preparing for weddings. We spend months or years of planning. Loads of money and emotional investment are poured into creating a beautiful day. We gather 1,000 of our closest friends (because doesn’t everyone have 1,000 close friends??) and family, celebrate and offer good wishes, blessings and speeches about lifelong commitment and a bayis ne’eman with no instructions included. It's all lovely but what happens after the last dance? After the photos are posted and the thank you cards are sent (people still send those, right)?

Too often, the attention to the marriage itself fades. Couples are left to figure things out alone, without the tools or support they really need for the years ahead. We rarely talk openly about the emotional labor of long-term partnership: the changes, the conflicts and the vulnerability it takes to stay connected through real life. And when people struggle (as all couples do at times), they often feel shame or isolation. They wonder if they’re failing at something they were never taught how to do.

Imagine if we celebrated and normalized things like couples therapy, pre marriage therapy (!! I've written about this here before), emotional growth and checking in regularly with your partner. Imagine if we offered the same level of communal support for marriage maintenance as we do for wedding celebrations. Relationships aren’t built in one day. They’re built over a lifetime and they need care, attention and support long after the last sheva bracha.

What Helps…

So, what does that care look like?

Whether you're already married, in a relationship or just starting to think about one, there are some practical things that make a real difference.

Start by paying attention to the small stuff. The little moments of disconnection or frustration often grow into something bigger if left unaddressed. Don’t wait for conflict to explode. Learn to talk about hard things before they become crises. Growth begins with self-awareness: knowing your needs, noticing your reactions and being curious about your patterns. That self-awareness also includes taking your mental health seriously. If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, unresolved trauma or emotional regulation it will show up in your relationships and often in ways you don’t realize. Getting support before you're in a committed relationship isn’t just good for you, it’s an act of care for your future partner. See a therapist. Start the healing work. If you need medication, get evaluated and take it seriously. Doing this inner work isn’t selfish; it’s responsible. It’s how you show up with clarity, stability and the ability to connect in healthy ways.

Take some time to reflect on the relationship dynamics that were modeled for you growing up. What did you witness between your caregivers? What messages, spoken or unspoken, did you absorb about love, conflict, communication or gender roles? These early experiences often shape what we expect from relationships and how we show up in them. Becoming aware of this conditioning is an essential step toward building relationships that are healthier, stronger and more aligned with who you are.

Emotional safety should always be a priority. When people feel judged, dismissed or shut down, true intimacy can’t take root. And don’t wait until things feel urgent to seek support. Therapy isn’t just for fixing what's broken, it can be a way to strengthen what’s already good. 

Most of all, love isn’t just a feeling it’s a choice. A commitment to keep choosing each other, especially in the quiet, mundane moments. The feeling of love may ebb and flow, but the choice to nurture it must remain active.

It also helps to ask deeper questions, whether you're already in a relationship or considering one: Do we share values? How do we each define commitment? What does a good life look like to you? Can I be my full self with this person? And perhaps most importantly: Am I doing this because I truly feel ready or because I’m trying to meet a timeline, calm a fear or prove something to someone else?

For Those Not Married Yet

If you’re not married yet, the best thing you can do is take your time. Chemistry can be instant, but compatibility takes time to reveal itself. Pay attention to how you and your partner handle conflict not just whether you fight, but how you repair. Conflict isn’t the problem; how you recover is everything. Don’t confuse potential with reality. Marry someone for who they are not who you hope they’ll become. Ask yourself: Does this relationship bring out the best in me? Do I feel safe, known, and respected?

In the End…

Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. Some absolutely need to and it’s an act of courage and self-respect when people leave relationships that are harmful, unhealthy or unsustainable. But many relationships could be saved, or even strengthened, if we had the tools, the language and the space to do things differently. Whether you’re married, single, dating or somewhere in between, there’s always room to grow. To learn. To choose more intentionally.

It’s never too late to do this work. And it’s never too early to start.

Rachel Tuchman is a licensed mental health counselor in Cedarhurst, NY who specializes in relationships, emotional health and navigating complex family dynamics. She maintains a private practice and shares therapeutic insights through writing and speaking. You can find her at www.racheltuchman.com and on Instagram @rachel_tuchman_lmhc.