You Don't Have to Be an Alcoholic to Have a Problem With Alcohol

A CALL FOR HONEST CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DRINKING

I recognize that I’ve been talking a lot about this issue lately, but it feels really necessary. We are facing what increasingly feels like an urgent situation. Alcohol-related problems in the Jewish community, among both adults and teens, are already rising sharply, and the effects are showing up in real and painful ways. This is not a future concern. It is a present one. Conversations like this matter. And the more honestly we talk about the ways alcohol can affect our lives, the better equipped we are to protect ourselves, our kids, and our communities.

For decades, the word “alcoholism” has shaped how we think about drinking problems. The image was clear and dramatic: Someone drinking daily, hiding bottles, wreaking of alcohol, a real mess watching their life fall apart. It was a binary: You either were an alcoholic or you weren’t. But that term has shifted. Today, clinicians use “Alcohol Use Disorder,” a broader spectrum that reflects the real range of drinking issues people experience. You only need to meet a couple of criteria for a diagnosis, but even without any diagnosis at all, you can still recognize patterns, ask questions, and make changes.

The trouble is that many people still believe that unless their drinking looks extreme, it can’t be a problem. But you can have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol long before anything looks dramatic from the outside. In fact, some of the signs show up more subtly, in patterns that are easy to dismiss or downplay.

For example, you may have a problem with alcohol even if you rarely drink, but every time you do, you always get drunk. Some people don’t drink often, but when alcohol enters the picture, control slips immediately. 

You may have a problem with alcohol if you plan to take it easy, but once you start drinking, it almost always escalates. What begins as moderation turns into something entirely different by the end of the night.

You may have a problem with alcohol if people around you consistently say things like, “You always go too far,” or “You don’t know when to stop.” These comments can be uncomfortable, but they often point to patterns others notice before you do. 

You may have a problem with alcohol if you can’t be at an event where there’s a bar and not get a drink, even if you told yourself beforehand that you wouldn’t. If ordering alcohol feels automatic rather than intentional, it’s worth paying attention to.

You may have a problem with alcohol if your personality shifts dramatically when you drink. If you become louder, riskier, overly emotional, or someone you don’t quite recognize and you know this isn't a good thing. 

You may have a problem with alcohol if you regularly wake up with regret, anxiety, or confusion about what happened the night before. 

And you may have a problem with alcohol if you use drinking as a tool-to loosen up, to cope, to escape discomfort-rather than simply enjoying it.

None of these signs fit the old stereotype of what an “alcoholic” is supposed to look like. And that’s precisely the point. Most people who are struggling don’t match the images we grew up with. It's no longer the scary homeless guy or the messy schlub who hangs out outside shul. It's the every day men and women who look just like you and me. It's the people we hang out with. Their kids are friends with our kids. They are “shul people,“ involved in their school parent associations. Their lives look functional, their relationships (seemingly) intact, their jobs stable. They may even be really successful financially. But the impact alcohol has on them, the emotional fallout, the behavioral changes, the loss of control, is real.

This is where the modern understanding of Alcohol Use Disorder actually helps. By recognizing a spectrum rather than a single label, it makes space for the countless people who don’t drink daily or heavily, but who still find that alcohol brings more harm than good. And crucially, you do not need an official diagnosis to reevaluate your drinking. You’re allowed to make changes because you don’t like who you become when you drink. You’re allowed to reassess simply because alcohol is complicating your life more than it’s improving it.

Instead of asking, “Am I an alcoholic?”,a question shaped by outdated and limiting ideas, there’s a more honest one to consider: What does alcohol actually add to my life? Does it genuinely make things better, or does it consistently create outcomes I regret?

You don’t have to hit a rock bottom to take a closer look. You don’t have to wait for a crisis, or for someone else to tell you it’s time. If something feels “off,” that feeling matters. Quiet concerns are still concerns. Small patterns are still patterns. And sometimes the earliest moment of honesty- the uncomfortable realization that alcohol isn’t helping you the way you thought- can be the start of something profoundly good.

For those who want to explore these issues further, this past week Rabbi Jonathan Muskat and I were guests on Rabbi Scott Kahn’s Orthodox Conundrum podcast (listen here). Together, we spoke candidly about alcohol use in the Jewish community and also about the rising materialism that so many of us feel but rarely name. I hope the conversation helps move this discussion forward.These are sensitive topics, but facing them openly is one of the most meaningful ways to strengthen our families and communal life.

❤️❤️